For now, We heal

In the words of Neil Sedaka, "breaking up is hard to do." This I've heard, however I've never had to live it.

I'm 28 years old, and until now, I'd never had a breakup.

I was 26 when I met my first and only boyfriend. We met on Hinge, a popular dating app. I had been on "the apps" for years... like seriously, so long. Dud after dud after dud until I finally met him. The one who broke me out of my shell and changed my life.

Two years of beautiful memories. Two years of love. Two years of pretending the end wasn't going to come.

Maybe we moved too fast. I mean, moving in together after a month is crazy... right? I'll never forget the conversation we had before making the decision for him to move in with me. We should've known. I should've known better. But I was in love.

My first love.

It's hard when you know something isn't going to work out. You mask it and pretend it's not happening, all the while it's bubbling and brewing deep down. This is how it went with us.

That is not to discredit our relationship or any of the beautiful memories we shared, but an honest fact. When there are fundamental differences in your hopes and dreams for life, you can only mask it for so long.

I think it's possible to hold two truths at once: to love someone deeply, and to know they aren't the person you're meant to build your future with. I think I knew that for a while. I just didn't want to admit it.

Initiating the conversation was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Days of agonizing emotional pain trying to clear my head and decide if this was the right decision. I think I knew, but didn't want to admit it.

When I finally came out and said it, I was expecting a big reaction, but to my surprise, he said he felt the same way.

A weight lifted off my shoulders in the saddest way a weight could be lifted.

"It's mutual."

I'll never forget those words.

I cried.

He held me and told me it was okay.

It didn't feel okay.

Watching him leave shattered my soul and left me like a crumpled piece of paper.

The first night alone for the first time in two years was hard, to say the least. I wailed myself to sleep while I stared at his empty side of the bed.

Nothing compares to the feeling of losing a loved one that is still alive.

The wound is fresh and my heart is sore. I feel like I'm full of holes where he once used to reside. A missing piece.

It's not often you meet a man who cares so deeply for you that he would do anything to make you happy.

Getting to know and grow with someone on such a deep and personal level was a beautiful honor—one that I will cherish forever and hold close to my heart.

Just because things ended does not mean there is no longer love there. I will always hold him in a special place in my heart. Nothing but love and beautiful memories.

Although I know this was for the best, it does not make it hurt any less. Perhaps it even hurts more.

There was no wrongdoing. It was simply a case of wanting different things, and that's okay. The end was inevitable, but gut-wrenching.

I always have and always will only want the best for him. I want to see him find someone who can give him what he dreams of. I want to see him happy. For it to not be with me is, again... gut-wrenching.

But I know there is something out there for both of us. Bigger and better than we could ever have dreamed up. I long for that day, but for now, we must heal.

I will never regret our time together. I learned so much about life, love, and myself.

Thank you for loving me and letting me love you in return.